Wednesday, November 27, 2013

J.O.'s perspective

First of all, let me clarify.  This is not a post written by J.O.  There are so many reasons for that but the main one is because I'm not even sure he knows I still blog.  He doesn't really get those know, like facebook and stuff like that.  He doesn't understand the whole concept of writing like you are talking to people and then he's always way too curious about who is even reading it.  Lets be honest....I understand that it's usually just my mom and MIL (thanks guys) but I like to pretend it's more.  When he starts questioning it, then I just become way too self conscious about it.  He also doesn't understand reading other people's blogs that you don't know.  One day, I was looking at cute pics on a blog and reading all about their day and he walked up behind me and asked who that was.  I quickly answered..."oh you know, so and so".  He said, "who?"  It was then, I realized, I only "knew" them in blog land so I tried to save face but he just walked away confused.  I feel quite certain he went upstairs to run a check on my SS number or something.  I mean, I did kinda sound stalkerish.

Anyway....I thought it would be good to give J.O.'s perspective but from my point of view.  Make sense?  I highly doubt it but here it goes.....

When we first brought B home, J.O. didn't say much at all.  In fact, he didn't really talk for a couple of days.  Looking back now he was overwhelmed, confused, and wondering if we had done the right thing.  I remember we were standing at the kitchen sink a few days later and he finally started talking.  He told me it was just much different getting a phone call and having a baby within 30 minutes and he just didn't have that natural attachment that I had.  He just assured me he needed a bit to adjust.  And he did.  It was much slower than I adjusted but I slowly saw the bond forming.  He would take a little longer than necessary to rock him to sleep at night, he would go in and comfort him in the middle of the night, he would take him outside when he was fussy and walk around with him.  When B started smiling, he would only smile at J.O. and he loved that.  They quickly formed a bond and when he left he was babbling 'dadadadada' plain as day.

When we found out B was going to start visiting family, I wanted to talk about it to a fault.  It's what I do.  However, J.O. doesn't respond this way.  This makes it difficult, because I sometimes don't want to open up to anyone but him.  It makes for a lot of one sided conversations.  Anyway, we knew he was going, and the week leading up to it J.O. was really wanting to fix the situation.  This is how he handles things.  He has always had success at school, work, etc and so he just thinks he can think of a solution and make it better.  However, we all know it doesn't work that way with DHS.  This made it hard for J.O.   He didn't want B to enter the life we knew he would enter.  The first weekend he went, J.O. really struggled Friday night.  He was worried about his safety and needs being met and just worried that we weren't there to take care of him.  However, by Sunday he was okay.  He felt no news was good news and that things would be okay.  J.O. adjusts much quicker than I do.

When the time came for B to leave, J.O. once again was very quiet.  He didn't say much but wanted me to know how much he would miss him.  He felt a peace (like I did) that B was leaving all along and that this is what we were preparing him to do.  He made the comment that, "we knew all along he was leaving" and for that it closed the book for him.  I'm just not as able to do that.

Right now, J.O. still knows we are doing the right thing.  The reality is, J.O. will probably be the only "dad" B will ever have.  The toddler we have on the weekends doesn't have a dad in her life either and he doesn't take that lightly.  He realizes that his job is almost more important than mine in some ways.  These kids have women in their life (although unstable) but the missing equation is a dad.  The toddler listens to J.O. so much better than me and she looks to him for everything.  They are longing for that father figure and for a time, J.O. is able to step in and play that role.

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