Thursday, September 26, 2013


I'm not sure about you but don't you love those sermons or Bible Study messages that were written for other people?  Surely you know what I mean...those times where the preacher is talking and you are really hoping "so and so" is at church today?  Or you sit up straighter and pretend to take notes so maybe your husband (or wife) will wonder what's so important and listen?  Or even those verses you come across in the Bible and you think..."oh man, how can I bring this up in conversation with "so and so" because they REALLY need to hear this."  Surely I am not the only one??

However, I have to say that the most humbling experience is when God uses our children to teach us a lesson.  Wednesday nights after church is always hectic when we get home.  J.O. leaves early with B and brings him home for a bath, bottle and bed (or the 3b's as we so lazily say), then I wait on Trey and Addison to finish up and we head home.  Now, I have yet to figure out what they feed the kids on Wednesday nights (they try to disguise the snack to resemble goldfish but I am on to them).  They leave church so hyper, happy and wound up that I have a hard time getting them settled down.  I am not complaining because to me this is a sign of how much fun they have had, but the second we get in the car I have to start saying, "remember, no yelling once we get in the house because B is going to bed" or "please don't sing that amazing song you just learned at the top of your lungs once we get in the house because B is in bed" and so forth.

Last night was no exception.  They had a blast and were talking nonstop, playing, hitting, screaming, you name it.  When we pulled into the garage, they jumped out of the car and neither one wanted to shut the car door.  They both get out on the same side and technically Addison gets out last and should have done it, but she thought it was Trey's turn for some reason.  They stood there arguing as I was carrying in books, crafts, etc and I just said, "someone please close the door."  Like the good kids they are, they continued to argue and Addison decided she didn't care if it was ever shut and ran in.  I put the stuff down and went back outside and told Trey not to worry about it, since he wasn't willing to do it, I would.  Well that got him.  He started crying and said he would, he wanted to, etc.

I sat down with him and told him there was a difference in doing something because he had to and doing something because he was willing.  I told him that I understood Addison should have closed the door but she wasn't willing to help.  Then, I explained that he should have seen me with my hands full and realized he was fully capable and able to shut the door and help out. 

Then I felt the urge to quickly move back before lightening struck me.  I walked off and realized that God was talking to me that entire conversation.  It made me wonder how willing He really thinks I am.  Sure, I will usually end up doing what He asks but is it because I am willing or because I feel like I have to?  How many times have I stood there arguing, debating, watching from the sidelines what needed to be done, but was simply unwilling to move.  We talked last night about not going back to the places God has called us away from and for me I'm going to have to work on being a willing and cheerful servant. 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

My Plan is Better.....

I realize I haven't been as good about blogging lately and I would love to have some really good excuse that makes me sound very important, but the reality of it is I'm still not sure I have a "back to school" routine.  As soon as the kids went back to school we were out of our house for awhile and as crazy as it sounds I am just now settling.  Surely by March I will have it down right?

Several of you have asked about B lately so I thought I would fill you in on him the best I can.  Just so you know, this past week I have really gotten his life planned out for him.  I have decided the best route DHS should take, I have decided where he should be placed permanently and I have his future literally planned in the palm of my hand.  I have been working on this plan in my mind for several weeks so don't be scared.  It's truly well thought out and the best thing ever for B.  This past week has been slightly aggravating though because I seem to be the only one who knows this plan and is willing to stick to it. 

So...imagine my surprise Tuesday when I met with his caseworker for awhile and what I thought should happen doesn't seem to be taking shape.  Wait....slow down lady.  I've got this.  This doesn't sound too good for B in the long run so you really need to listen to what I'm saying.  You really need to put this sweet baby up for adoption and let some nice family swoop in and love him.  That's what I think should happen. 

You would think by now I would've immediately seen what I had been doing and take a step back and turn this (once again) over to God but I didn't.  I stewed on this all day and night Tuesday and Wednesday morning I just had a pit in my stomach.  What is going to happen in B's case??  Why can't it happen the way I think it should?  What is the role you want me to play God?  Is it different than I originally thought? 

I had the opportunity to come home yesterday from taking Addison to school, put B down for a nap and just be at home.  Now, granted I was cleaning but I was alone and it was quiet.  Wonder when the last time it was that I was alone and quiet?  Certainly not often enough lately.  I used to wouldn't share this for all to read but I really have no secrets anymore....God took me to B's crib and I literally laid on the floor and cried.  Not because of what may happen at court but because I realized God cares more than I could ever imagine and He has his future all mapped out and it's greater than I could ever plan. 

Then..some really awesome things happened.  First, my stomach quit hurting because I stopped trying to control a situation that I have no control over anyway, and then God cared enough to put me on the heart of a friend.  I had the opportunity to sub yesterday afternoon and as I was putting a child in his car, his mom told me I had been brought to her mind to pray for that day.  Of course, she assumed it was because I was having to sub in her son's class but I knew why.  It's so humbling that God cares enough about me that, even in my disobedience, He still sees fit to use other people to lift me up. 

You would think that I would eventually learn but unfortunately I don't.  I will continue to have to realize over and over again that God sees the big picture and I can't.  I can either truly learn to praise Him through the circumstances and trust in His plan or I can continue to return to this place of despair. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Pick Me

I originally wrote this for something else but decided it was still on my heart so I am going to just copy and paste it here.  Sometimes, I think life can seem like so much for so many different reasons but we have to remember that each and every one of us has been chosen for a specific purpose.  We have to boldly step forward in faith and not be afraid of what God is hand picking us to do. 

Growing up I remember vividly the days of P.E. class where the teacher would divide us into two groups, each with a captain, and they would take turns picking kids for their team. I would always hold my breath and pray I would be picked first or at least one of the first few. However, thanks to minimal (okay zero) athletic ability I was generally one of the last students left to be picked. I would eventually get over it and move on but I never could quite shake the feeling of wanting to be picked first.

The other day I was having an overwhelming day with fostering and just thought why me? Why did you pick me God? That made me think….gone are the days of standing up front big and tall wanting to be the most needed member on the team. Now, it seems like we are content to stand behind everyone else and silently yell out, “Pick them God! Pick them!” We have so many seemingly valid reasons too. At least I did. I am not qualified, that would be way too hard, my husband would never agree to this and on and on and on. As I was having a tough day and thinking, “God, I am completely overwhelmed. There are way too many kids and way too few of me.” I was reminded of His promise that He will never leave nor forsake me. For some reason God has seen fit to pick me. He is entrusting these children to me for a time period and a season and for a girl who spent her childhood years wanting to be picked it’s something I don’t take lightly.

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6