I realize I haven't been as good about blogging lately and I would love to have some really good excuse that makes me sound very important, but the reality of it is I'm still not sure I have a "back to school" routine. As soon as the kids went back to school we were out of our house for awhile and as crazy as it sounds I am just now settling. Surely by March I will have it down right?
Several of you have asked about B lately so I thought I would fill you in on him the best I can. Just so you know, this past week I have really gotten his life planned out for him. I have decided the best route DHS should take, I have decided where he should be placed permanently and I have his future literally planned in the palm of my hand. I have been working on this plan in my mind for several weeks so don't be scared. It's truly well thought out and the best thing ever for B. This past week has been slightly aggravating though because I seem to be the only one who knows this plan and is willing to stick to it.
So...imagine my surprise Tuesday when I met with his caseworker for awhile and what I thought should happen doesn't seem to be taking shape. Wait....slow down lady. I've got this. This doesn't sound too good for B in the long run so you really need to listen to what I'm saying. You really need to put this sweet baby up for adoption and let some nice family swoop in and love him. That's what I think should happen.
You would think by now I would've immediately seen what I had been doing and take a step back and turn this (once again) over to God but I didn't. I stewed on this all day and night Tuesday and Wednesday morning I just had a pit in my stomach. What is going to happen in B's case?? Why can't it happen the way I think it should? What is the role you want me to play God? Is it different than I originally thought?
I had the opportunity to come home yesterday from taking Addison to school, put B down for a nap and just be at home. Now, granted I was cleaning but I was alone and it was quiet. Wonder when the last time it was that I was alone and quiet? Certainly not often enough lately. I used to wouldn't share this for all to read but I really have no secrets anymore....God took me to B's crib and I literally laid on the floor and cried. Not because of what may happen at court but because I realized God cares more than I could ever imagine and He has his future all mapped out and it's greater than I could ever plan.
Then..some really awesome things happened. First, my stomach quit hurting because I stopped trying to control a situation that I have no control over anyway, and then God cared enough to put me on the heart of a friend. I had the opportunity to sub yesterday afternoon and as I was putting a child in his car, his mom told me I had been brought to her mind to pray for that day. Of course, she assumed it was because I was having to sub in her son's class but I knew why. It's so humbling that God cares enough about me that, even in my disobedience, He still sees fit to use other people to lift me up.
You would think that I would eventually learn but unfortunately I don't. I will continue to have to realize over and over again that God sees the big picture and I can't. I can either truly learn to praise Him through the circumstances and trust in His plan or I can continue to return to this place of despair.