I wrote this yesterday, so some dates are off but better late than never with posting.....
You know, sometimes I feel like all I do is stand up and confess areas I am lacking or learning things in. Anyone else feel that way? I feel like I start over constantly (going to clean tomorrow, not going to get mad at the kids tomorrow, not going to grab 13 handfuls of m & ms before bed....tomorrow) and so forth. Seriously, am I the only one?
We got B home yesterday and it was everything I expected it to be x10. I am not going to share any details but it was rough. I found myself doing extra cuddling, wolfing down dinner while standing up holding him, doing several baths to comfort him, and not losing my patience when he cried as soon as I laid him down.
Then, my two kids acted like 7 and 4 year olds and what do I do? I lose my patience.....I send them to their rooms, I told them to quit playing so loud and so forth and so forth. This morning before school they both were sent to their rooms on the way to the car for basically getting on my nerves. I will admit it. My patience was absolutely nil with them. I had a perfectly good excuse though....I was emotionally worn out from B's situation.
Then it hit me. I am missing an opportunity to do exactly for my kids what God does for us. We are studying Gideon right now in Bible Study and our last lesson was on God's patience. No matter how many times Gideon asked for a sign, God answered with loving patience. He understood his fear and knew exactly what he needed. Instead, my kids are seeing a mom lose patience with them at the drop of a hat and not offering them the mercy and grace that we are extended every day.
Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not talking about ignoring behavior that needs punished or overlooking things because I just don't want to deal with it. I'm talking about yelling at them to clean up the living room because they have simply taken all the pillows off the couch to do "gymnastics." Seriously, that hurts nothing.
I decided this morning while spending time with Addison on a field trip that my new resolve is to give my kids the grace they deserve. She is 4 1/2 years old and instead of spending time wishing she wasn't so clingy, wasn't so defiant, didn't make me stand by her in line everywhere, I am going to be so grateful that I am able to spend this time with her. I am grateful that right now, although I have been called to help take care of kids in bad situations, it also means I can spend a little more time with my own kids. I am going to be thankful that even though I wear God's patience thin on a daily basis, He isn't blasting everyone else because of it.
Basically, I am not going to be aggravated that B is facing a situation unlike anything my kids will ever know. I am not going to focus on the fact that his opportunities in life will look very unlike my own kids. Instead, I am once again, not going to put limits on what God can do. I am going to be thankful for the lessons I am learning through B and trust in the One who knows his future.