Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Time.....

I am a hurry up type of person.  I am generally ready early (not always early to arrive...but ready), I eat quick, I go places quick, I rush through tasks, I can be from the kitchen to the car in .2 seconds (and it drives me crazy that no one else can be), I can stop for a bathroom break on a long car drive in a mere 2 or 3 minutes.  I am a quick moving person...I would write fast but that would be a total lie.  I am slow in anything physical, but quick in nature. There's a difference.  Trust me.

I was blessed with one kid of each.  Addison can be dressed and ready in the blink of an eye.  She can seriously come down from waking up, dressed, hair brushed, teeth brushed and ready for the day.  She takes after me.  It doesn't take her long to get around and walk out of the door.  Then, there's the first born.  Oh.  My.  Word.  He is S...L...O...W...  It takes him forever to eat, bathe, dress, brush his teeth, do his homework, go to the restroom, breathe....etc...  He is just a slow person.  It drives me crazy.  Like seriously.  I am breaking out in hives thinking of it.

I had a plan today for court.  And I will be honest, I was told some things would be finalized that weren't.  However, I had a time frame in my head and plan ready to play out.  We would get direction on Abby and the path that we would take moving forward with all 3.  We would leave there knowing what would happen and I was already mentally packing and drinking (totally kidding) if necessary.

And then.....nothing happened the way I thought it should.  Nothing happened the way I was told it would.  And it irritated me.  I sat there thinking, "okay, when are they going to move on to the issue at hand.  When are they going to let me know what will happen with the baby?"  I was mentally rushing this judge in my head and constantly glancing at the caseworker to see if she was about to get to it.  Come on now...anytime.....Let's get this life game plan laid out.  I am sick of being in limbo.  I am sick of being in the middle of this.

Then it hit me.  Several things actually.  Like one brick after another.  First of all, I was sitting in a hearing where a mother was losing her rights to these kids for good.  Forever.  And worst of all.....they didn't even allow her to have the proverbial "goodbye" visit.  Was it the right decision?  Absolutely.  But in that moment did I stop to think of the magnitude it will have on the kids?  No.  I was too worried about myself and you timing.  Then, they terminated on the father because he had not once shown up.  Not once had he fought for his girls.  All the while, I was looking around thinking..."okay, we know what's going to happen here, let's get to it already and talk about the baby."

And then the judge did a recap of the case.  Beginning to end.  I heard about our sweet toddler who we have had off and on since July '13 and the exact conditions that brought her into care and I cringed through some of it.  I was devastated for her.  I seriously thought of the love she has for everyone she meets and wondered how this will change her forever.  Especially as she gets older and questions what happened.

It was only when I got home and I was talking to my dear friend and I told her that although I was super irritated for no answers, I was so grateful for God's provision once again.  We are being given the gift of time.  How much bigger must God's plan be?  How much more does He have in store for these girls in the next few months while we wait?  Yes, they deserve answers.  Yes, they deserve to have a secure and solid plan and I will continue to be the voice that fights for that.  It is still a broken system and these siblings deserve more than to be in limbo.  BUT....once again, I am grateful I am not in charge.  I am grateful that yesterday I was reminded by a girl who is much wiser than me....."all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16   I am grateful that God's timing is not my own and He never gets in a hurry.  

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