I really try hard not to be a "talker" but I know I can be. You know what I mean....one of those people that talks a big game but when it comes down to it, is mostly fluff and nothing more. I have said on here a million times, that what God calls you to do, He will also equip you to do it. One of my most read posts (and that's not saying a ton) is the one about letting foster children go. So many people do not understand how we could ever let these kids go and I have always responded with....of course it's hard, but God and friends will enable you to say goodbye.
Well, we are going to court Tuesday and there is the possibility that if the judge agrees with DHS the baby will be heading back to family. There are so many other things that could still happen which will mean they both leave eventually, but this is just what we are facing on the short term.
So, I am going to be honest. This is where rubber meets the road. This is where I will tell you all day long that God will equip you, but I have to ask myself do I really believe that. If the baby leaves and the toddler stays, do I truly believe that God will get me through. If I get a call that all of the siblings will be moving soon to a placement for all 3 (recently a 4th) do I believe that. When I am putting Anna to bed and she is saying her prayer and it goes like this...Me: "Thank you God for Anna" Anna: "....and mommy, J, Abby, Addison, Trey, RaRa, Mollie, NayNay, B...." and I realize that she may lose every single person she just prayed for, do I still believe it? When I have been gone for 3 days and Abby comes to me as fast as she can and hugs me all night do I still believe it? When God hasn't woken me up in the middle of the night and told me to let them go like he did when we had baby B, do I still believe it? Do I still feel I can tell people that God will equip those He calls and that the mark of a good foster parent is one who has a hard time with goodbyes?
I believe that God has put these girls in my life and for some reason they ran in and stole all of our hearts. I believe that God has Abby with us, if for no other reason, than the fact that we have gotten her hearing tested and tubes put in. I believe God is teaching me that not every child looks and acts like mine. I believe that God is writing these girls stories and for a time period we are a huge part of it.
I know if one or both of these girls leave it will be hard. It will stink. It will be heartbreaking. I will be at home thinking of a toddler, that in a very confused voice, pointed to me one day and asked "Mommy??" and I said yes. I will be thinking of the baby who might be separated from her sister and of all the things my sister and I did together growing up. I will be thinking of so many things and so many are just too personal to share.
But this chapter isn't over yet. I have no clarity or peace about anything that is coming up. Until then, we will press on. We will love unconditionally, we will rock and say prayers at night, we will kiss and hug and comfort when they are sick, we will help our bio children understand that these girls need us right now.....we will pray. And if they leave, we will lean on the rock of our salvation. We will rely on His grace and mercy and the friends He has placed in our path. We will continue to tell people that you don't NOT foster because it's too hard to let them go. We will be a testimony to the fact that we would have rather loved and let go, than to have never loved at all. The thought of them NOT being in our life just because one day they might leave is something I can't even imagine. That's what is too hard for me......