Monday, April 29, 2013

Feeling Stuck....

Do you ever feel like you are stuck between one spot and the next with nowhere to go?  Yeah that's me right now.  I feel like I am in that period in high school when graduation is a few weeks away and your grades are already turned in for graduation but yet you still have to go to school?  Yeah that's me too.  Now, for any parents reading this, I don't mean I have already mentally checked out of school.  No, not at all!!  What I mean is, I am at that point where all our paperwork (on our end) is done and turned in but yet our date to open is not until May 24th.  We can't really get any more baby stuff together because I may get a newborn or a 12 month old.  We can't really do anything but wait.  And be patient.  Unfortunately I have no idea how to do the 2nd part.  Not at all.  That's a big part of why there is a huge strip of wallpaper missing in my bathroom because I up and decided one afternoon I would remove it all with just my bare hands and some determination.  Take it from me...that doesn't work. 

So back to the topic.  Patience.  I'm not good at it.  J.O. tells me I am the worlds worst at wanting something and wanting it yesterday.  It's not always a bad thing but in this situation (when your hands are tied) it's not good to function this way.  As I was typing this, and wondering what in the world to write next, I keep being reminded to ..."be still" ..." be still and know that I am God."  I have a feeling my job over the next month is to search, study and develop an even deeper relationship.  I have a feeling I have no idea how hard it's about to be.  I also have a feeling God does and that's why He is giving me this month with all paperwork done and nothing else to do but wait.  I have a feeling patience is something I will learn whether I like it or not.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Why Quit?

I have had several people ask me why I am quitting such a good job to foster when you can work and take care of foster kids.  People are also curious why I don't go back to work part time or something like that so I can keep my position.  The only real answer I have is I must be losing it.  I mean, seriously...I kinda stalked my principal to get this job.  J.O. loves to remind me of the email I received after about my 10th one to the principal that said, "Tamra, I promise I will contact you soon for an interview."  Basically...leave me alone crazy woman.  I am hoping that since he deals with so many people he has forgotten that I was the crazy one. 

I really don't know why I am being called to stay home.  And yes, as crazy as it sounds I feel I am being called to do this.  I know at first J.O. just thought it was an excuse so I wouldn't have to work because after all, who can argue with what God tells you to do right?  Seriously though, I have always enjoyed part time and really thought it was what I would go back to.  I will be the first to admit that I LOVE first graders but think we should get out at noon.  That would be the perfect job for me.  I think I might start a school.

Anyway...totally off subject.  When I started feeling led to take fostering seriously I also felt led to stay at home and devote myself fully to this and to our kids.  I didn't think it would be a possibility at first because I am not sure if you realize this but private school isn't cheap.  The thought of losing my income and paying full price for 2 kids is enough to give me an ulcer most days, but then I just have to take a deep breath and rest in the fact that God will see us through.  I also have to realize that at this point and at least for the upcoming year God has granted us the means to make this work.  Sometimes I get tangled up in trying to think 3, 5 or 10 years down the road and wonder how it will work and I just can't. 

Another reason I am not working is because we feel led to foster infants.  I am not saying that I won't end up with a toddler at some point because I've learned to never say never but right now we are very burdened for these babies.  I also know that if I took on a baby and tried to still work my house would literally fall apart and that's not God's plan either. 

There are days I am truly estatic about next year and being able to have 2 days at home with Addison for one last year, maybe not showering until right before I pick up Trey from school (if at all) and not feeling like a crazy woman every morning and afternoon as I try to get the kids to various places.  However, in one swift second it changes to sheer terror...when will I take a shower with a crying baby, how will I manage DHS appts with Addison home 2 days a week, what if the money runs out and I have none coming in??  Honestly when those thoughts take over I just rest, write in my journal, read my devotionals, or go lock myself in the room with my glorious glider.  Then I get back to realizing if it was easy, people wouldn't see God working through me.  Because trust me, people that know me well realize that I could never do this on my own!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


I knew this would happen...I got everything out and now don't have a clear direction on what to write.  This is typically the time my posts turn to jibberish ramblings.  You've been warned.

Pride.  It's not really something I think too much about.  Oh, sure I joke with J.O. about his head being too big to fit through the door (he doesn't lack for confidence), but in general I don't think much about it.  I have enough insecurities to keep me from walking around with my chest sticking out and I don't have to sit in a dark quiet room for very long before I start thinking on all the past mistakes I've made.  A few months ago I would have rated myself pretty low on the pride-meter.  And then came the Experiencing God study we are doing at church right now.

I have to be honest...the study we did before this one was Nehemiah and it truly brought me to where I am now.  God used that study to stir what was already at work in my heart and bring me to my knees several times.  When we started Experiencing God I was excited because I had heard so many amazing things about it but I had a completely different attitude about it when we started.  Instead of being hungry and really searching for what was stirring, I realized I was looking at it like "been there done that".  Make sense?  Probably not. 

At the end of each day it asked what adjustments you have made in your life that are costly and so forth.  With chest poked out I would write down what was going on...give myself an invisible pat on the back and move on.  Throughout the first few months I realized I wasn't getting as much out of this study as Nehemiah.  My first thought was that the study must not be what I need right now!  HA!  Then, I thought it was probably because I was at a better place in my life!  HA!

I had such a sense of unrest.  So, I prayed that I wouldn't be able to sleep in the morning until I had gotten up and spent some quiet time with God.  Wouldn't you know the very next morning I woke up at 5:00 on the dot (I wasn't going running that day) and kept hearing a voice telling me to get up.  So I did.  I read these words at some point over the next few studies...."You will need to be careful that any testimony about what God has done gives glory only to Him.  Pride may cause you to want to recount your experience because it makes YOU feel special.  You will want to declare the wonderful deeds of the Lord, but you must avoid any sense of pride."  Well crap. (Can you say crap in a post like this??  Not sure, but I just did so sorry.)

I quickly realized this was straight to me and only to me.  I really don't think I have walked around telling my story to get personal recognition, (only recognition for these children and situations) but since what we THINK counts too I must say I am guilty.  I do not think I am better than anyone!!  I truly don't.  What I am saying is that I have had a reliance on Tamra this past month because man, she really seems to know what she's doing, and that my friends, is scary.  There is a reason that I have felt out of control busy, cranky and overwhelmed.  It's because I have relied on my own doing and not on His.  I can't do this.  God can.  And when He does, people will know it was Him working through me.