I am in an odd place. You have probably all been here before. Maybe, it's with your work or maybe it's with your kids or spouse, or maybe it's just feeling stuck in the same old stay at home mom routine. Whatever it is, we have all felt this way before.
I always struggle with what my next step should be. Always. It's most likely why I started my college career as a social work major, switched to psychology, switched to pre-law, switched to public relations, and decided on communications. It's probably why I went back to school and received my teaching degree and am now taking classes in seminary. I really wish I had time to be a lawyer, nurse, PR rep in NY, pastor (I know, I know), and still be a stay at home mom with a chef and nanny. Too much??
I am reminded of how Scripture tells us, we can constantly be learning and searching without ever coming to the saving knowledge of the truth. Sometimes, I feel like that's where I am. I am looking for things and not because I don't know the truth, but because I don't want to land there. It's easier to fill the uneasiness or void with things I am good at or enjoy. For me, it's surfing on the internet and looking up interesting articles while holding Easter candy in one hand. Nerdy? Yes. Interesting? I think so. Ultimately fulfilling? No.
Most of you know before we started going to the church we attend now, we were happily settled at a different church in Little Rock. We were involved, active, and loved it. We had friends and settled into a routine nicely. When we moved back to LR we really assumed we would head right back to that same church but God called us to where we are today. And I didn't really want to go. I wanted to be back with my friends....at a church where I already had a friend group. It's a great church so surely God would allow us to go back. But, no. He wouldn't release either one of us so we settled in and got plugged in to our current church.
And we love it. We know we are exactly where God wants us to be. But, sometimes it's hard knowing you can't just blend in to the background. I started working at the church 6 months ago (I think) on a very part time basis. However, the more I do it, the more I know God is calling me (and our family) to a life of ministry. And it kinda sucks. Not because I don't love it. I really do. But because I have been here before. I have been in the uneasy and it led to fostering. Then, I was uneasy and we are now a family of 6. Then, I was uneasy and I pressed forward with our orphan ministry at church. And now, here I am again.
Today, I forced myself to come home and spend some time alone praying. Not with my phone beside me, not on my computer, not doing school work, but just me and my floor. After I got up, I was reminded that this is exactly how our foster story started. With me falling to the floor in the kitchen and knowing God was calling me out of my comfort zone.
For lent, I have given up sleep. Sound dramatic? Well, for me it feels that way. I am getting up early to spend time alone with God before the house is awake. And one thing I know is this....God is always faithful to show up when we ask.