I haven't blogged in awhile. I have several posts that I have started but finishing seems to be the problem! However, after church yesterday morning I just couldn't get the thought out of my head that I am Gideon. We did a study a couple of years ago on Gideon by Priscilla Shirer and it was great. If you haven't done that one before, I would highly recommend it. Gideon is not one of the people from the Bible I knew too much about. However, the way God used him is amazing.
A quick overview of Gideon is this: An angel spoke to Gideon while he was under a wine press threshing wheat. Now, when people would thresh wheat, they would typically do it on a hill or somewhere where the wind could help separate the good stuff from the bad stuff (chaff) but Gideon did it somewhere where he wouldn't be seen. For that reason, he seems pretty timid or afraid because he was hiding. Then, fast forward a bit, and God used Gideon, who we first found cowering under a wine press, to win the battle and defeat a huge army with only 300 men. There is a LOT more to the story, but that's the long and the short of it. You can freshen up on the story in Judges.
So back to me being Gideon. I have always heard and understood that God can use very normal people in big ways. I have also always understood that God can turn our weakness into His strength. Like with Gideon.....Gideon wasn't a brave solider. He wasn't even brave. He was an average guy who hid to do his work! He would have probably been last on the list to pick for a battle, let alone the pick to lead the battle. One of the reasons God kept whittling down his army was because God wanted it to be so obvious that He was the one who won the battle and it couldn't have been due to mans strength at all.
And that's when I realized. I am a lot like Gideon. Only mine has to do with children. If you know me well, you know that I am not a huge kid person. Now, stick with me. I am not one of those people who sees a baby and needs to hold them. Or gets baby fever every time I see someone have a new baby. After we had Trey, we decided that because he was such a good baby we could probably handle one more. We tossed around him being the only child but since he was so cute and smart we decided that just wasn't fair to the world....kidding....kinda. Then we had Addison and she was cute and smart too. And then she turned 2 and 3 and oh my goodness. I was for sure done with the baby and toddler stage but was so happy for other people who were entering that stage. I would take them food and go home happy. Life was good. I didn't judge when other people told me they wanted 4 or 5 kids but I made big plans around our house because we had our kids young and would be able to enjoy it later. And so forth and so forth. I valued my freedom, the fact that we had it planned financially, and Addison was at the age where we could get pedicures together on Saturdays. Bliss.
Then God started slowly whittling away my comforts. I became restless, uneasy and had no peace at all. I sensed Him working in our hearts and leading us in a different direction. I went to work full time in my running and did all I could, because what He was calling us to was not something I was interested in. Don't get me wrong.....even back then I would've given a child the coat off my back and I did my due diligence with donations and contributing to causes financially, but God wanted more. He actually wanted me to take in more kids. He wanted my afternoons, and my nights and my occasional pedicures on Saturday (thankfully Addison and I haven't been asked to give those up entirely yet), He wanted my army. And thankfully, I said yes.
I have said before that it's hard for me to hear how great we are and one reason it makes me so uncomfortable is because WE AREN'T!! I have 4 kids and I still don't need to hold your baby. I have 4 kids and I cry when school is out for snow. Does that make me terrible? I hope not. What I hope it makes me is someone who can shout from the rooftop and mean it when I say.....God will use our weakness for His strength but we have to let Him. I wouldn't go back to life pre-Anna and Grace for anything. Why? Well, for one thing I couldn't imagine life without them in it, but for another thing I can say life is better when God controls it. There are still days I am so stressed and I think I need my security back but then I remember.....Faith pleases God. Not my bank account. Not my clean house. Not my comfort. Faith.
Gideon was scared and took down a huge army with 300 men. I was the poster mom for 1-2 kids and God has called us to open our doors and be a voice for hundreds. What is your weakness? What are you afraid of? God is waiting to make it your strength.