Monday, August 11, 2014

Every. Single. Time.

When we started the journey to fostering, I found a verse that I decided I was going to cling to.  It was Proverbs 3: 5-6 and I was going to obey all of it and not just some of it.  What most people don't realize when they hear someone has started fostering, is that the process actually began for them a long time ago.  The conviction process for me began the summer of 2012.  I knew God was working on me in some way but didn't know how.  I went on a mission trip that summer with my church thinking that would help settle me (and it did a bit) and my MIL strongly encouraged me to start journaling.  So, I picked up a journal with lots of pages to last me awhile and decided to save it for times I really needed to get things out.  It has different verses printed on the bottom and I did my first entry June 17, 2012.

What I soon realized (without realizing it at first) was every time I was in turmoil and decided to journal that Proverbs 3: 5-6 was at the bottom.  Every. Single. Time.  To prove that I am not being dramatic I am going to list these times for you.

July 31, 2012- My entry was about school being about to start and I had no peace about heading full time.  I prayed for direction.

October 25, 2012- J.O. and I turned in our paperwork to begin the fostering process.

March 6, 2013- Tough place spiritually and knowing what to do next.

May 9, 2013-  Pure anxiety about talking in church on Mothers Day (where I closed with this verse)

June 20, 2013-  Found out baby B wasn't going with who we thought he was.  Changed the whole case.

August 8, 2013-  First day of school for Trey and my very first time since pre-k not working at his school.

November 11, 2013-  I wrote that I didn't want to journal because I was confused about what to do with Anna or what would happen but felt I should.  This verse was at the bottom.

March 12, 2013-  Simply started this entry with "everytime Lord...everytime"  It was about our court hearing and we found out goal in the case was changed.

Today- Was in my bathroom about to dry my hair and I felt led to journal.  I didn't want to...I'm cranky, anxious and really just sick and tired of a lot of things but decided to.  Sat down and even mumbled "this is way that verse is at the bottom of the page."  But it was.

We have a staffing today at 3:00.  I'm guardedly optimistic a direction will be put in place for their future.  I am guardedly hopeful that Anna, Abby and B will get the permanency they need especially after a year and a half of this for Anna.  I am hopeful that today, these children will be a priority and their needs will come first.

But, what I do know, is that once again no matter the outcome, I have been told time and time again to
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.  In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

I think I will be most upset if we leave today with no direction once again.  However, that is a part of trusting the complete verse and not just the parts that fit my needs.  I will acknowledge that He will direct our paths and I will not lean on what I think should happen with my limited understanding.  I will also be grateful, that no matter what, God cares enough for me to remind me.

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