Monday, December 9, 2013

The air up there…..

If you have read this blog for any period of time or just know me at all in person, you know I'm not the bravest person.  I run early in the morning and although I love the stillness of the morning and the fellowship with friends, I am constantly on guard.  There is a reason I run faster when we get to an unlit place.  I mean, I'm no speed demon, but I figure if someone is lurking it may deter them a bit if I at least look halfway fast.  

When J.O. and I met I knew he loved to be on the go.  I mean, I lost count how many times him and a few guys would hop a flight to Vegas for a long weekend.  Or he would head to Colorado with friends or just go away somewhere over breaks and weekends.  Me on the other hand, not so much.  For one thing I like to plan.  Then I like to rationalize.  Do we really need to spend the money, where will kids stay (even though both parents are local and willing), I don't really have time, and etc, etc.  However, the underlying reason is usually because I HATE to fly.  Like HATE it.  I used to not be this way. Growing up, we flew several times and I was fine.  However, now I am much older and wiser.  It's just not natural for a huge piece of metal to soar through the sky with all these people and luggage weighing it down.  Not to mention, you know people aren't obeying the in flight electronics rule.  I mean, I think they should really physically check that your cell phone is on airplane mode.  I would volunteer to help.

However, knowing who I married, I agree to fly and travel.  We don't go often at all but when we do it's tons of fun.  This Thursday we left and we left with heavy hearts for our little girl we get quite often.  We knew there were going to be some changes coming up with her and the siblings, and just left with uncertainty of whether we would see her again.  I literally was walking to the plane when the caseworker called me and we chatted.  It was just on my mind.

The worst part of flying for me is take off.  To me, if something is going to go wrong it's going to happen then.  Engine deciding to stop, plane not getting air and so forth.  As we took off I had my eyes closed and as we were climbing it was very turbulent.  The weather had already started moving in and it was cloudy and rainy.  It took awhile to get above all the thick clouds and it was just bumpy and extremely unsettling.  However, all of the sudden we got above the clouds and the sun was shining very brightly.  There were blue skies surrounding us and the ride was very smooth.

At that point I couldn't help but think how often I live in the turbulent clouds.  Walking on that plane I wasn't giving 'A' over and praying God's will be done.  I was coming up with every scenario possible to have my will done.  I was very unsettled and just in a very rough place.  But when I got above the clouds and saw the peace and the calm sun, I realized this is where I need to live.  I need to live in the peace and assurance that once again, whatever God can do, is so much better than what I can attempt to make happen.  

Sure, I can let my desire for this little girl be known, but after that I can't try to force hands.  I am going to try daily to decide to live above the clouds and rain, and let the peace and assurance that can only come from God being in control take over.

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