Very Bitter

If you were around me at all when we were deciding to foster you know that one of my biggest reservations was the issue of sleep.  I knew I could adjust to a baby during the day but nighttime was what I was most afraid of.  I pride myself on the fact that I now have 2 kids who go to bed at night and generally leave me alone until the morning.  I mean, of course they have their rough nights here and there but for the most part they go to bed between 7:30 (Addy) and 8:00 (Trey) and we talk again in the morning.  Now, we didn't get to this spot without some bumps.  They were both terrible sleepers until they were a year old and when Trey graduated to a bed he would often bounce in our room at 5:00 ready to start his day.  However, I am proud to say that now we are good. 

Then entered little B.  I wasn't worried about colic, crankiness, spitting up, reflux....I was worried about getting a bad sleeper.  So that's exactly what I got!  I'm not saying the other things wouldn't have been miserable but you can ask J.O...I like my sleep at night.  I am not a napper.  Not because I don't want to, but just because I can't.  I have to be in my room, it has to be dark, and it has to be nighttime for me to fall asleep.  Addison can fall asleep anywhere and I envy that!  That being said, when it's time for bed I just want to sleep.  I knew having an infant would require some sleepless nights at first but I had honestly forgotten about the time period of crying for no reason in the middle of the night.  My kids really didn't do this too bad.  They woke up often but a quick paci or pat usually got them back down.  They might cry but only for a short bit.  B can cry for around 3 hours without giving it up.  He is also at the stage where he immediately flips to his back when he gets mad so then he screams louder.  You can flip him back to his belly numerous times but the second you do..he has flipped again.

So, the last few nights have been some of those fun nights and I have laid in bed very bitter.  I think all these wonderful thoughts of how we are trying so hard to do something good and so we should be rewarded with sleep.  Yes, I know that makes me a super selfish person but you would be surprised your thoughts when you're so tired.  I was thinking more thoughts along these lines when God brought to mind the Experiencing God study we completed last spring at church.  One of the authors talked about how his son went through a spell of not being able to sleep and he was so aggravated.  He would ask God every night why he wasn't being allowed to sleep and so forth.  Then, one night a friend called him because she knew he would be awake and he talked her out of committing suicide. 

As I was laying in bed thinking this I became so convicted.  How much time have I wasted over the past week being bitter and mumbling and groaning?  How petty have I sounded complaining over and over again about my lack of sleep?  Instead of laying in bed awake wishing B was asleep, or wishing he wasn't crying so loud, or wishing he wasn't so stubborn, I am going to commit to praying.  Don't get me wrong..I've been praying but my prayers have been "Please help this baby fall asleep," "Please help this baby give it up," "Please help me fall in such a deep sleep I don't hear him" (honesty here).  But now I want to pray for people I know, pray for his situation, pray for all the kids who are in foster care and anything else that comes to mind.  God is keeping me awake for a reason and I am determined not to miss the reason completely.