Not Knowing....

For the most part being a foster parent really isn't that odd or out of the ordinary to me.  I mean, yes it took some time to become adjusted but I think that was mostly because within a few hours notice I had added a child to our family....and a newborn at that.  I know some people will always wonder how you do it and get attached to the child and then let them go or even open your home to children and the families that come along with them.  For me, the issue from the start, was the thought of starting over when we were in such an easy stage with our kids but hey...God generally doesn't care about what keeps you comfortable. 

However, I had something happen last week that really made me stop and think that this just wasn't right.  I took B to his 2 month well-child appointment on Friday and it was so different from the start.  I have never taken him to the doctor before (except one run to a Saturday clinic to confirm a cold) and I had certainly never taken him to a well-child visit.  You generally answer a lot of questions and fill out a lot of paperwork so the doctor will know all he/she needs to know about your child.  Well, as we were walking back to the appointment the nurse asked me what shots he had and if I had his record.  I hesitated and told her I didn't have that but I thought all he had received was the one shot in the hospital.  I explained that he was a foster child and I just wasn't sure.  Then what I noticed next was she didn't ask me anymore of the typical questions you would receive.  Questions like his background, how he was at birth, etc.  Nothing.  I know this is the same sometimes when you adopt a child but I had just simply never experienced it.  I felt helpless sitting there with a child that I knew so little about to tell the nurses.  I can tell you everything from 4 wks to now but there are things missing that I can't stand. 

When I got home I was googling and reading about what a 10 week old should be doing (don't judge...you forget!) and the first thing I read was they will start to be able to pick out mom or dads face in a group.  I think it just hit me at that point.  Mom should be here.  He should be picking her face out of the crowd and not mine but the fact is I am mom right now.  It won't be easy if/when he goes home.  It won't be easy thinking about him looking around for me but I can rest assured that although I won't know what happened from his birth I can be the best "mom" to him right now.  That's truly all I can do.