This is most likely going to be a random, all over the place post but it's so hard sometimes to get down what I mean. However, I do plan to try!
For the past week or so I have had this unsettled feeling. Not unsettled like unhappy or discontented.....not at all!! In fact, things couldn't be going better around here. We are adjusting to life with 3 kids right now, my body has adjusted to getting around 4-5 hours a sleep at night (I'm not just saying that...it's amazing how that works and we truly adjust), the kids are loving being out of school and attending summer activities. It's all going really great. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling that I am missing something.
I was sitting down reading my journal a couple of days ago and realized I started journaling almost exactly one year ago from this date. I started journaling when we went to New York for a mission trip because it was the start of me realizing God was wanting me to do something different in my life. As I was reading over my journal it hit me...when was the last time I sat in my rocking chair (other than to feed/rock the baby) and truly journaled, prayed and studied? The sad reality is we have adjusted great to having the baby but I have totally allowed the other areas in my life to start fading away in the last 3 weeks. Sure, I can rationalize it....I am tired, the first few days were rough, I went from regular schedule to none, etc. However, what I realized is when life gets busy that is the first thing that goes. Sad huh? I was still trying my hardest to get up and run (not happening a ton), I was still making time to fit all the kids activities in, but I was not making this time a priority. As soon as I would lay B down I would scurry off to do laundry, pick up the kitchen, or if it had been a sleepless night I would lay down too. But one thing I have found is that when I get out of my regular time with God I begin to feel so unsettled.
As I was feeling this way and sitting down to take the time to read and journal I realized how much we miss when we get away from our relationship with God. I'm not talking about anything drastic here either...I'm talking about letting the day go by without really spending time with Him. I am good about praying throughout my day but I mean, truly sitting down (even for 5-10 mins) and having some quiet time.
Of course as I thought of this my thoughts went to B who is having such a hard time getting "settled" to go to sleep. Trey fought sleep so I am used to babies who don't want to give it up but he fights it so differently. Trey would simply not close his eyes and then finally fall asleep after an hour of us patting him to sleep (huge first time parent mistake because we created a monster who needed patted to sleep until the age of 2). B is different though...he will grunt and moan and twist to keep himself awake and then as soon as he gives it up he literally takes a breath and I can feel him relax in my arms. It hit me the other day how I do this as well! I will literally fight and grunt and moan and run away from things simply because I don't want to sit down and give in. Then I will feel so unsettled and have to realize I need to come back to my relationship with Christ. When I do that it's literally a huge sigh of relief and I can relax. This is probably such a basic concept to most but I am learning how stubborn and hard headed I really am. I love how sometimes I think we are the ones helping B and in reality God is using him to show me new things in my own Christian walk.