I knew this would happen...I got everything out and now don't have a clear direction on what to write. This is typically the time my posts turn to jibberish ramblings. You've been warned.
Pride. It's not really something I think too much about. Oh, sure I joke with J.O. about his head being too big to fit through the door (he doesn't lack for confidence), but in general I don't think much about it. I have enough insecurities to keep me from walking around with my chest sticking out and I don't have to sit in a dark quiet room for very long before I start thinking on all the past mistakes I've made. A few months ago I would have rated myself pretty low on the pride-meter. And then came the Experiencing God study we are doing at church right now.
I have to be honest...the study we did before this one was Nehemiah and it truly brought me to where I am now. God used that study to stir what was already at work in my heart and bring me to my knees several times. When we started Experiencing God I was excited because I had heard so many amazing things about it but I had a completely different attitude about it when we started. Instead of being hungry and really searching for what was stirring, I realized I was looking at it like "been there done that". Make sense? Probably not.
At the end of each day it asked what adjustments you have made in your life that are costly and so forth. With chest poked out I would write down what was going on...give myself an invisible pat on the back and move on. Throughout the first few months I realized I wasn't getting as much out of this study as Nehemiah. My first thought was that the study must not be what I need right now! HA! Then, I thought it was probably because I was at a better place in my life! HA!
I had such a sense of unrest. So, I prayed that I wouldn't be able to sleep in the morning until I had gotten up and spent some quiet time with God. Wouldn't you know the very next morning I woke up at 5:00 on the dot (I wasn't going running that day) and kept hearing a voice telling me to get up. So I did. I read these words at some point over the next few studies...."You will need to be careful that any testimony about what God has done gives glory only to Him. Pride may cause you to want to recount your experience because it makes YOU feel special. You will want to declare the wonderful deeds of the Lord, but you must avoid any sense of pride." Well crap. (Can you say crap in a post like this?? Not sure, but I just did so sorry.)
I quickly realized this was straight to me and only to me. I really don't think I have walked around telling my story to get personal recognition, (only recognition for these children and situations) but since what we THINK counts too I must say I am guilty. I do not think I am better than anyone!! I truly don't. What I am saying is that I have had a reliance on Tamra this past month because man, she really seems to know what she's doing, and that my friends, is scary. There is a reason that I have felt out of control busy, cranky and overwhelmed. It's because I have relied on my own doing and not on His. I can't do this. God can. And when He does, people will know it was Him working through me.