First of all, let me say that I will do Part III within the next week!! However, this one is all about the nice little pity party I have been having for myself lately.
When we went to our first informational meeting in October for fostering let me just say I didn't really have mixed emotions....I was excited and ready. I didn't know how it all looked or what the process would be but I knew I wanted to be involved. When we decided to jump in full force in January I would still not even really say I was hesitant. I was still confused on how all this looked for my family but as far as wavering on whether or not to foster I didn't. Let me just say though if there is one thing I have learned is the devil knows where to get you and how to start working on your weaknesses. I started feeling pretty sorry for myself about a month ago. I started having thoughts of why me? There are so many other people out there with way more money and resources than us and why aren't they helping? I mean, I REALLY like my life. Have I mentioned before how comfortable it is? I think I have....
I have a special glider that I got when I was pregnant with Trey. It, for some reason, is one of the things I am most attached to. I mean, I will be honest...I am a lot like my mom and if something is sitting out for too long it is in danger of finding the trash can regardless of the sentimental value. However, the glider is different. It made the move with us to LR even though my kids were past being rocked in it and it even found a spot in the upstairs bedroom even though I was the only one who used it. I found myself drawn to this glider (yes, I know how strange it sounds). It's where I sit to journal, do my Bible study, hide from the kids, etc. And it's where I have been throwing my pity party lately. Friday when we were home from school I was sitting in this glider (which is now right next to a crib) thinking how am I going to do this? How am I going to take care of OTHER people's children, love them, nourish them, protect them and then send them home? How am I going to once again lose sleep over a non-sleeping baby, change diapers, rock a sick child, cuddle a sick child and then send them home to a life much different than ours? Furthermore, why am I doing this? Right now, I put my kids in bed about 7:30 or 8:00 and we speak again about 6:30 or 7:00a.m. And it's nice. Right now, I have security in knowing they love me and appreciate me for all I do even though sometimes they may not show it. Right now, I am their mother and that's my job. So why this? Why take on other people's children? Why me?
However, the cool thing is that even though I am throwing myself a pity party about all this and feeling pretty sorry for myself....God still cares. Sunday we had a speaker come into our Sunday School class and talk to us about caring for the widows and orphans. She is 28 years old and works at Dorcas house in Little Rock caring for women who have lost their way. She told us about HER pity party and how she often wonders why she is called to serve these women. Why not be out somewhere with her college degree, making much more money and looking much more glamorous while doing it.
And while she was talking I got it...why NOT me? I am thankful for a God who hung out with what we would consider the scum of the Earth. I am thankful that when I have made bad choice after bad choice and been selfish He didn't wipe His hands and say, "Okay, this one is a lost cause...I'm done." I am thankful that even though it was sometimes a difficult road that I had loving parents to go home to. I am thankful for the opportunities that I had growing up. Basically, I am just thankful.
Yes, I will still have these moments and probably even more so in the next 2 months when changes hit us like a brick wall, however I am clinging to the promise that the "Father of the fatherless and the protector of the widows..." will give me the strength I need.
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