Fear...It's a thing I am quite used to because I am a nervous person in general. I am the type that when I leave my house at 5:00am to go run I get in my car, lock my doors and then open my garage door. I am also that person who still occasionally checks under the bed (yes, I know), sleeps with hall lights on and TV blaring when J.O. is out of town, gets aggravated with Trey's irrational fears but only because they remind me of my own. Fear. We have met several times.
However, I will say the fear I have experienced lately is a new type of fear. It's mostly been the reason I have put off writing part III. Maybe it's because I know when I write it down for the world (okay, who am I fooling...my close facebook friends) to read, it will make it real. Today we had our Easter service at church and it was amazing. I am not one to raise my hands during church or be the only one standing in a pew during a song. Not because there is anything wrong with it but to be honest I am just too self conscious. Today however, the choir sang a song and before I realized it I had jumped up at the end and was clapping. Me and no one else on my row. Thankfully, J.O. had pity on me and got up too and others were standing on different rows so I wasn't too embarrassed for too long. The song was about Jesus being carried away and the disciples ran away afraid. They scattered in different directions and Peter denied him 3 times. I have heard that story hundreds of times and never really thought much about it. If I did think about it, I am sure I wondered how Peter could deny Jesus and not stay by His side. However, today I think I understood. Peter was no different than me. He wanted to follow Jesus with all his heart and was genuinely a good guy. Fear however, overcame him and he acted like I do a lot of times. He denied the truth and tried to hide from it.
Rambling, yes probably. But, all that to say this. I have made some really tough decisions over the past few months. Decisions that were not easy and that didn't come lightly. I LOVE my job and have loved working at Arkansas Baptist. I made a comment last year that I laugh at now. I told a friend that I have never been more pressured to keep my job. I told her that I certainly wasn't the bread winner in the family but I had a good discount, great position and great co-workers. Be careful what you say though because I have found that God will often take charge of your life in areas you try to keep total control over. That is why this fall I will send both of my babies to school for the first time ever without me being there too. I taught pre-k in Cabot when Trey was in pre-k and then came to Arkansas Baptist when he started Kindergarten. Addison was there in Mothers Day Out last year and in K3 this year. We have literally been together every day. It is and was such a tough decision and one I struggle with a lot but I am getting there. Slowly the Peter in me is dying and I am learning to live without so much fear.
Now, let's get something straight.....I am not saying the next time J.O. goes out of town there won't be lights on everywhere and TVs blaring in every room but cut me some slack. I can only change so much at once.